Relationships: Ambushed By The Unseen
"You have heard that it was said, ' AN EYE FOR AN EYE, AND A TOOTH FOR A TOOTH.' But I say to you, do not resist an evil person; but whoever (1) slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also. (2) If anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, let him have your coat also. (3) Whoever forces you to go one mile, go with him two. (4) Give to him who asks of you, and do not turn away from him who wants to borrow from you." (Matthew 5:38-42)
What would you say is the primary factor that destroys our most important relationships? Before reading any further, I want you to take a minute and come up with an answer to that question. Think of your own marriage, or the relationship with your children, employer, friends, or the people you minister with.
I know there are many factors that make relationships difficult, but after many years of counseling individuals and couples, I've concluded there is one ruling passion lurking below the surface that will consistently kill our relationships if left unchecked - the pride of self-righteousness. Surprised? I'm using the word "self-righteousness" as a name for what I believe Jesus describes in the above passage as "resisting an evil person." The practice of being right (self-right eous) is our natural tendency to retaliate when we feel insulted, bothered, or taken advantage of.
What does this look like? Internally, it is being consumed with many small things leading to the turmoil of a bothered spirit. There is a sense of feeling wronged, insulted, or inconvenienced. "I'm not receiving the honor deserved, not being treated right, or being taken advantage of." If this inner battle isn't recognized for how perilous it is, it will manifest itself externally as a compulsive, self-righteous relational style that is rooted in our goal to not feel these negative emotions. As a result, one comes across defensive, blame-shifting, correcting, unforgiving... the goal in conflict will be to win or be right. The problem is if that's our ruling relational goal, we are fixated on ourselves - seriously comprising our ability to love others.
I believe in the passage above, Jesus invites us into the awareness of this dark passion and instructs us to respond in a specific way. I can hear Him say, "he who has ear to hear, let him hear..." The casual observer will blow right past this. It is the opposite of how the western culture thinks about relationships. We are infatuated with "how to set good boundaries" in our relationships.
Jesus' instruction to us about this is found in what many believe to be His most comprehensive statement about the believer's role in cooperating with the grace of God-- the Sermon on the Mount (Matt. 5-7). If one thinks of our heart as a garden, Jesus describes 8 beautiful flowers (the beatitudes) that display His glory, 6 weeds (common temptations) that will choke out the life of God, and 5 ways to water our garden (kingdom activities) so it can bloom. It is here where we find what He says about the temptation to indulge in a relational style of retaliation and self-righteousness.
In describing weed #5 in this list of 6 common temptations, Jesus gives further explanation of what he originally told Moses. I believe he is alerting us of our temptation to retaliate and correct others when we have been wronged or taken advantage of in small ways.
In this fifth chapter of Matthew, Jesus is correcting the errors taught by the Pharisees. The original intent of "an eye for an eye..." was that the punishment must fit the crime (Ex. 21:24, Lev. 24:20, Deut. 19:21). It was not to be too severe or too lenient. This law defined justice, restrained revenge, protected the innocent from evil doers, protected evil doers from harsh judges who were too severe in their penalties, and kept the people from taking the law into their own hands outside the court system. If someone poked out an eye, they would not kill the person.
The Pharisees taught two errors: 1) people could administrate justice personally outside the court system, and 2) the law commanded revenge. The law of Moses did not command revenge, but to love one another without bearing a grudge.
"You shall not take vengeance, nor bear any grudge... but love your neighbor..." Lev. 19:18
The people were to live free from the spirit of revenge (vengeance) and defensiveness (grudge). Retaliation was common in the ancient Near East, which frequently led to vendettas of escalating violence that continued for generations. Moses taught the people to resist an evil person by using the court system. Instead of resisting an evil person, the Pharisees empowered people to act in unloving ways with the wrong spirit in their conflicts.
Jesus says, "do not resist an evil person." The Greek verb "antisthnai" here translated resist means to oppose or withstand someone or fight back. In other words, we are not to retaliate or seek to pay back people who do evil against us by insulting us or troubling us in small ways. Jesus is speaking about our attitudes and behaviors towards people who infringe on our personal rights or cause us inconveniences. We are to respond to evil men in the right way (not take the law into our own hands), in the right spirit (in gracious humility), and in the right measure (we accept small injustices).
Note: This passage often is misapplied in a way that contradicts the plain and obvious teaching or other scriptures. Some interpret this passage as teaching against soldiers, police, or judges (pacifism). Jesus isn't advocating for the rejection of all force against evil men, i.e. legal courts, military, or police. Civil leaders are God's servants to resist evil (Rom. 13:1-7). The abuse of a wife or child is always to be resisted as evil.
Jesus gives us four examples to clarify what He meant. First, "whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also." To be struck on your right cheek under normal conditions would come from the back of a right-handed person's right hand. Most commentators believe this means to be verbally insulted vs. physically attacked. An insult can be given with words or a look. Jesus calls us to endure insults without retaliating, correcting, or acting out of defensiveness. Being insulted without retaliation confounds the offender because of how unnatural it is. Amidst being falsely accused or wronged, we are to endure further insults calmly and peaceably, without retaliation.
"Bless and do not curse...Repay no one evil for evil... Beloved, do not avenge yourselves...Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good" (Rom. 12:14-21)
Second, if someone wants to "sue you and take your shirt, let him have your coat also." Who sues someone for a shirt or coat that is worth about 100 dollars? It seems obvious that the one suing is highly offended in this situation, and they are seeking to injure you (legally) despite the smallness of the matter (shirt/coat). Our tendency is to quickly get defensive, insist on our petty legal rights, and stand on the "principle" of the matter. I don't believe Jesus is referring to a lawsuit that takes your business or home, jeopardizing your ability to take care of your family -- nor did He intend for the disciples to walk around naked. If an evil person desires to sue you for a small amount, give it to him willingly instead of opposing him using the legal system -- or the "legalism system" (demand I'm right, and he's wrong).
Third, "whoever forces you to go one mile, go with him two." To fully appreciate this illustration, its helpful to have some knowledge of New Testament customs. Roman soldiers had the legal authority to require a man to carry a soldier's gear for one mile. People hated this legal requirement because of how inconvenient, annoying, and often humiliating it was. It takes approximately 15 minutes to walk one mile and 30 minutes to go the extra mile (plus return). I imagine this infuriated and exasperated many a proud Jew. This has to do with our tendency to feel insulted by those in authority who infringe on our time, or injure our pride through inconvenient demands. When those in authority (employer, government, school, etc.) require more than is necessary in small matters, it is easy to feel resentment. However, we are to patiently bear the injustice and bless by going the extra mile.
The fourth example Jesus gives is to "give to him who asks of you, and do not turn away from him who wants to borrow from you." This seems fairly straight forward. If someone is in need and asks to borrow something ($, help, time, etc..), let them use it. But, let's remember the context - the person who wants to borrow in this passage is the "evil" person. The one who does you harm. Jesus is inviting us to see what's in our heart. He isn't saying in all circumstances we are to give our money, but is referring to our tendency towards a troubled, resistant spirit when the one who has harmed us now asks something of us. Jesus desires we not resist him, but see his request as God's opportunity to show His grace.
A theme seems to emerge as one meditates on these examples. Jesus seems to be encouraging us to deal with the fallen energy within us that is spring-loaded to retaliate against personal injustices. He knows if we overlook this, we will seriously injure our spirits by replacing the greatest commandment to love God and others with our commitment to right all wrongs (i.e. practicing self-righteousness).
Recognizing how this energy to retaliate (or "be right") is practically operating in us is crucial for change to occur. Furthermore, we can't struggle well with this if our hearts don't connect with the bigger picture of Jesus' love, mercy, and the fact that He pays well for being loyal to Him. In other words, not only do we need to experience His love empowering us, but we need to be convinced it's worth it to embrace suffering.
If we don't hear what Jesus is saying, this weed will develop a pervasive root system and choke out so much good in our life. May the Lord give us the humility and grace to be in agreement with Him in this area. Father, we ask you to pour out your grace on us as we seek to identify, repent, and be energized by your Spirit to relate differently. You truly are worth it.
Kraig Skistad
"You have heard that it was said, ' AN EYE FOR AN EYE, AND A TOOTH FOR A TOOTH.' But I say to you, do not resist an evil person; but whoever (1) slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also. (2) If anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, let him have your coat also. (3) Whoever forces you to go one mile, go with him two. (4) Give to him who asks of you, and do not turn away from him who wants to borrow from you." (Matthew 5:38-42)
What would you say is the primary factor that destroys our most important relationships? Before reading any further, I want you to take a minute and come up with an answer to that question. Think of your own marriage, or the relationship with your children, employer, friends, or the people you minister with.
I know there are many factors that make relationships difficult, but after many years of counseling individuals and couples, I've concluded there is one ruling passion lurking below the surface that will consistently kill our relationships if left unchecked - the pride of self-righteousness. Surprised? I'm using the word "self-righteousness" as a name for what I believe Jesus describes in the above passage as "resisting an evil person." The practice of being right (self-right eous) is our natural tendency to retaliate when we feel insulted, bothered, or taken advantage of.
What does this look like? Internally, it is being consumed with many small things leading to the turmoil of a bothered spirit. There is a sense of feeling wronged, insulted, or inconvenienced. "I'm not receiving the honor deserved, not being treated right, or being taken advantage of." If this inner battle isn't recognized for how perilous it is, it will manifest itself externally as a compulsive, self-righteous relational style that is rooted in our goal to not feel these negative emotions. As a result, one comes across defensive, blame-shifting, correcting, unforgiving... the goal in conflict will be to win or be right. The problem is if that's our ruling relational goal, we are fixated on ourselves - seriously comprising our ability to love others.
I believe in the passage above, Jesus invites us into the awareness of this dark passion and instructs us to respond in a specific way. I can hear Him say, "he who has ear to hear, let him hear..." The casual observer will blow right past this. It is the opposite of how the western culture thinks about relationships. We are infatuated with "how to set good boundaries" in our relationships.
Jesus' instruction to us about this is found in what many believe to be His most comprehensive statement about the believer's role in cooperating with the grace of God-- the Sermon on the Mount (Matt. 5-7). If one thinks of our heart as a garden, Jesus describes 8 beautiful flowers (the beatitudes) that display His glory, 6 weeds (common temptations) that will choke out the life of God, and 5 ways to water our garden (kingdom activities) so it can bloom. It is here where we find what He says about the temptation to indulge in a relational style of retaliation and self-righteousness.
In describing weed #5 in this list of 6 common temptations, Jesus gives further explanation of what he originally told Moses. I believe he is alerting us of our temptation to retaliate and correct others when we have been wronged or taken advantage of in small ways.
In this fifth chapter of Matthew, Jesus is correcting the errors taught by the Pharisees. The original intent of "an eye for an eye..." was that the punishment must fit the crime (Ex. 21:24, Lev. 24:20, Deut. 19:21). It was not to be too severe or too lenient. This law defined justice, restrained revenge, protected the innocent from evil doers, protected evil doers from harsh judges who were too severe in their penalties, and kept the people from taking the law into their own hands outside the court system. If someone poked out an eye, they would not kill the person.
The Pharisees taught two errors: 1) people could administrate justice personally outside the court system, and 2) the law commanded revenge. The law of Moses did not command revenge, but to love one another without bearing a grudge.
"You shall not take vengeance, nor bear any grudge... but love your neighbor..." Lev. 19:18
The people were to live free from the spirit of revenge (vengeance) and defensiveness (grudge). Retaliation was common in the ancient Near East, which frequently led to vendettas of escalating violence that continued for generations. Moses taught the people to resist an evil person by using the court system. Instead of resisting an evil person, the Pharisees empowered people to act in unloving ways with the wrong spirit in their conflicts.
Jesus says, "do not resist an evil person." The Greek verb "antisthnai" here translated resist means to oppose or withstand someone or fight back. In other words, we are not to retaliate or seek to pay back people who do evil against us by insulting us or troubling us in small ways. Jesus is speaking about our attitudes and behaviors towards people who infringe on our personal rights or cause us inconveniences. We are to respond to evil men in the right way (not take the law into our own hands), in the right spirit (in gracious humility), and in the right measure (we accept small injustices).
Note: This passage often is misapplied in a way that contradicts the plain and obvious teaching or other scriptures. Some interpret this passage as teaching against soldiers, police, or judges (pacifism). Jesus isn't advocating for the rejection of all force against evil men, i.e. legal courts, military, or police. Civil leaders are God's servants to resist evil (Rom. 13:1-7). The abuse of a wife or child is always to be resisted as evil.
Jesus gives us four examples to clarify what He meant. First, "whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also." To be struck on your right cheek under normal conditions would come from the back of a right-handed person's right hand. Most commentators believe this means to be verbally insulted vs. physically attacked. An insult can be given with words or a look. Jesus calls us to endure insults without retaliating, correcting, or acting out of defensiveness. Being insulted without retaliation confounds the offender because of how unnatural it is. Amidst being falsely accused or wronged, we are to endure further insults calmly and peaceably, without retaliation.
"Bless and do not curse...Repay no one evil for evil... Beloved, do not avenge yourselves...Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good" (Rom. 12:14-21)
Second, if someone wants to "sue you and take your shirt, let him have your coat also." Who sues someone for a shirt or coat that is worth about 100 dollars? It seems obvious that the one suing is highly offended in this situation, and they are seeking to injure you (legally) despite the smallness of the matter (shirt/coat). Our tendency is to quickly get defensive, insist on our petty legal rights, and stand on the "principle" of the matter. I don't believe Jesus is referring to a lawsuit that takes your business or home, jeopardizing your ability to take care of your family -- nor did He intend for the disciples to walk around naked. If an evil person desires to sue you for a small amount, give it to him willingly instead of opposing him using the legal system -- or the "legalism system" (demand I'm right, and he's wrong).
Third, "whoever forces you to go one mile, go with him two." To fully appreciate this illustration, its helpful to have some knowledge of New Testament customs. Roman soldiers had the legal authority to require a man to carry a soldier's gear for one mile. People hated this legal requirement because of how inconvenient, annoying, and often humiliating it was. It takes approximately 15 minutes to walk one mile and 30 minutes to go the extra mile (plus return). I imagine this infuriated and exasperated many a proud Jew. This has to do with our tendency to feel insulted by those in authority who infringe on our time, or injure our pride through inconvenient demands. When those in authority (employer, government, school, etc.) require more than is necessary in small matters, it is easy to feel resentment. However, we are to patiently bear the injustice and bless by going the extra mile.
The fourth example Jesus gives is to "give to him who asks of you, and do not turn away from him who wants to borrow from you." This seems fairly straight forward. If someone is in need and asks to borrow something ($, help, time, etc..), let them use it. But, let's remember the context - the person who wants to borrow in this passage is the "evil" person. The one who does you harm. Jesus is inviting us to see what's in our heart. He isn't saying in all circumstances we are to give our money, but is referring to our tendency towards a troubled, resistant spirit when the one who has harmed us now asks something of us. Jesus desires we not resist him, but see his request as God's opportunity to show His grace.
A theme seems to emerge as one meditates on these examples. Jesus seems to be encouraging us to deal with the fallen energy within us that is spring-loaded to retaliate against personal injustices. He knows if we overlook this, we will seriously injure our spirits by replacing the greatest commandment to love God and others with our commitment to right all wrongs (i.e. practicing self-righteousness).
Recognizing how this energy to retaliate (or "be right") is practically operating in us is crucial for change to occur. Furthermore, we can't struggle well with this if our hearts don't connect with the bigger picture of Jesus' love, mercy, and the fact that He pays well for being loyal to Him. In other words, not only do we need to experience His love empowering us, but we need to be convinced it's worth it to embrace suffering.
If we don't hear what Jesus is saying, this weed will develop a pervasive root system and choke out so much good in our life. May the Lord give us the humility and grace to be in agreement with Him in this area. Father, we ask you to pour out your grace on us as we seek to identify, repent, and be energized by your Spirit to relate differently. You truly are worth it.
Kraig Skistad